Coming out

One of the biggest things I’ve been learning recently, is that sin is no trivial matter. I know, some of you may go, Yeah duh, shouldn’t that be the way?

But it’s so easy to treat it as such! We get caught up with the busyness of life, we say a prayer or two, and we ‘try’ to live our best. But the reality of sin is this, it lodges itself deeply, so deep that sometimes we don’t even know it exists. But it is there, it is there because the bible says so.

That is why, when there are moments when God grips our hearts and minds, when He convicts us of the shame and guilt that we have, there is something extremely powerful that we can do.

And that is, to confess. Some of you may then go, but what if I feel like I’ve nothing to confess? What if everything in life is going as it should, I’m not doing anything horrendously bad. Why must I make up a problem, just to feel bad? 

This is what the bible says in response to that:

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 

1 John 1:8

That’s how destructive, and how deceitful the work of the devil is! He makes us think that we’re alright, that we’re doing fine… But slowly and surely, what he is trying to elude to is, You’re not that bad, God loves you always and He will take care of you, you don’t have to do anything. 

Oh, how treacherous you are! And how corrupted have our hearts and minds become to believe that lie! Yet, this is what the bible says in response to that:

If we confess our sins, he (Jesus) is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9

So this is where I’m here to do exactly that, to respond to the Word of God, the Word of Life, the Word of Freedom.

I’ve shared this before, in front of my christian community in OCF, before my family, and even before the members of my church in Singapore. But once again, I must confess because still, it plagues me. And I boldly want to now seek for your help, you the one who would read my heart. I want – no I need you to pray, to pray not just for me, but for everyone who struggles with sin. I need you to pray for yourself, if you know and have been convicted that you are struggling with sin. I need you to surround yourself with people who will love you, and who will pray for you. Do it, because your soul is at stake.

So I’m just going to come out, right here and right now, because I believe in Jesus’ name, and with the support of God’s people, I will claim the victory over this sin, that He has already claimed it when He died and rose again from the cross.

I struggle with pornography, with lustful thoughts, and with masturbation.

I once came out before my christian community, that in the peak of my struggles, I had visited a brothel in Thailand and I had almost committed a sexual act, but God in His great love and mercy, He intervened and I was spared from that torment.

And from there, begin a journey of slowly recovering my identity in Christ – understanding who I was, but above all, who He is. How great, how mighty, how powerful, how all-consuming He is.

And I can say, I have grown. I have come to see the depravity of this world, the brokenness of our people and our need for Him. I have learnt to trust Him in my doubts, to follow Him in my uncertainties, to go… though none go with me.

Yet, I still struggle. And I struggle because in the daily grind of life, sometimes I choose other things over Jesus. I choose instant gratification, I choose relief from pain – emotional or physical, I choose escape over perseverance. And in doing all those things, I have built up a wall, a path that is other than Jesus that leads to my own destruction.

But all this struggle, turning around and getting stuck has just made something sink in even deeper for me.

I need Jesus, daily, hourly, by the minute, every second. I need to remember Him constantly. I need to know Him more.

How He has so much more to offer than the pleasure I gain from indulging in pornography, sexual thoughts and masturbation.
How He wants to free me, from being enslaved to pleasing myself and for living for me.

How He HAS made me clean, and pure, blameless and righteous in His sight. That I no longer bow to sin, myself, or the devil as my master. But that Jesus is my only, one true love and glorious King.

And so now, I come before you, humbled, seeking Your forgiveness God. I want to love you so much more than I do. I want to know you more so much than I do.

I’m tired of turning back, I’m tired of always striving, but I’m not tired of being on my knees before You, and before Your people.

So once again, if you are reading this. I plead with you, pray.

Pray for me. Pray for your loved ones. Pray for the lost. Pray for yourselves.

And may our God hear our prayers, and free us from the sins that pull us away from Him.

In love,
Alwin

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